Conversation With Emily #7812
This afternoon when I got home from work, Emily alerted me to the fact that we were out of toilet paper. I have been married long enough to know that this was not a conversation starter or a statement of fact, but an indirect request for me to go to the store and buy some toilet paper.
So I grabbed the keys, let the dog know he was going for a ride with me to the store and was halfway down the stairs to leave when Emily stopped me.
Emily Wait. You know you need to buy a certain kind right?
Me Oh yeah I forgot. You're protesting the bears right (Editors note: I actually had forgotten Emily has specific toilet paper requests. Good thing she reminded me, or I would have ended up buying a Hannah Montana spiral notebook because it was on sale: two notebooks for 99 cents. I'd figure we could use the notebook paper as toilet paper).
Emily It has to be Cottenelle, the one with the puppy on it. No bears shitting in woods or bitches who cross stitch.
I have no idea what "the bitches who cross stitch" reference is all about, but I knew I had better come back with some toilet paper with a puppy on the wrapper. So I came back with mixed news: somewhere during the course of the evening I had to let Emily know I was able to buy Cottenelle, but only in a four pack.
Emily But they had jumbo packs of the other brands?
Me Yup.
Emily Well they must have been sold out of the big packs of Cottenelle because it's so popular.
I should add that she made this statement as if it is one of God's truths.
And what I love is how this was perfectly logical to Emily. It is assumed everyone who shops at the Walgreen's on 46th and Hiawatha in the Longfellow neighborhbood of Minneapolis adheres to the "Don't Buy Toilet Paper With Wrappers Depicting Bears or Bitches Who Cross Stitch" rule. As if it's a widely taught bathroom rule, right up there with "If it's yellow let it mellow" and "Knock before entering a Port-A-Potty."
11 comments:
I am just waiting for Angie to chime in on her shared hatred of bears who shit in the woods. However, if I recall correctly, I think she prefer bitches who cross stitch to puppies.
PS - it's not just that the bears are shitting in the woods, it's that they are doing it with TOILET PAPER, sometimes LARGE WADS OF IT.
I'm laughing hysterically with grumpy baby attached to chest!
Thanks to Em I also do not buy toilet paper that caters to bears who shit in the woods, or run on sandy beaches, and use too much toilet paper.
p.s. I am especially tickled that "Bitches who cross stitch" has a label.
Emily is nearly exactly right. I too hate bears who shit in the woods. And I am none-to-pleased by the puppies either, and even blogged about them (See August 2007). Not so troubled by them as to not buy Cottonelle though, because that is TOTALLY the best toilet paper available. And so yes, it probably was sold out for the exact reason Em suggested. I have recently switched from purple to the green label Cottonelle (with Aloe?). Nice.
Oh yes, I do favor the Cottonelle with Aloe. It is the softest toilet paper on the market.
Ms Em--they are not stitching. They are gently and quietly quilting--hence the "quilted" Northern name...
I used to buy Cottonelle and it's a good TP, don't get me wrong. But. A couple years ago G's cousin introduced us to single ply Scott which we now use religiously. Sure, its not as soft but it lasts forever which totally makes up for it's slightly less desirable texture. Replacing rolls is so annoying. We love the Scott so much that G once had a nightmare that I accidentally bought a different brand.
I just laughed myself to tears again. I read it out loud to Ben. It is a classic now.
Rachel, I am all for earth-friendliness, but I draw the line at one-ply toilet paper. If you are too lazy to change toilet paper rolls then I suppose you deserve to have your ass chafed.
Sir Kirk, as the words left my mouth I realized that those bitches are actually quilting, not cross stitching, but as you can see the phrase has taken on a life of its own.
But my ass actually enjoys it now. Those extra soft TPs just feel weird to me now that I've gotten used to Scot.
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